True story 3LP Rehearsals

In a few weeks I'll be opening "The true story of the three little Pigs" at the Theater of Youth... Or TOY. 

I couldn't be more excited about the process so far. 

I love the cast and especially love our director. The best feeling in theater is when you trust someone to do their job well and put on an amazing show that translates well and offers an array of emotions while really telling a story. 

He's super smart and I trust his directorial judgement. It's going to be an awesome show.

Another thing that I love about the process, is that after every rehearsal we all talk about how it went and how we felt about it. 

We did our first run of the whole show tonight, choreography and blocking... Most of us without scripts in hand. These rehearsals are usually frustrating and give you a good idea of the "soft spots" in the show. It's usually a rough time for me internally as an actor because I start to doubt myself and the work I've done... As someone who is tough on myself, it's a true test of my memory. 

Tonight I had a fun revelation-- I had a chance to take stock in myself and noticed a little change.

 I wasn't once frustrated with myself.

And come to think of it, I haven't been frustrated the whole process. Maybe it's because I feel safe, good environment, and I trust my cast and director... 

All true... But I think it's something bigger. A coming of age, and understanding that I'm human. That I'll make mistakes and forget... But I don't have to make myself sick about it. I have been having so much fun with the whole process, and Ive been able to make bold choices and do silly things that I don't usually get to do in the roles I get cast as. 

I hope that the positivity I feel doing this show translates to the audiences that get to see it. And that, even without being able to put a finger on it, herds of children will be able to see that they can be themselves, freely, with no judgement and without apology in the internal battle against their own thoughts and puts downs. You don't have to be your own worst enemy. If you can be on your side, it opens up the possibilities to expand your personality and be more accessible to others. 

I love the things I get to learn about myself through acting. What an awesome opportunity.

Little Updates

Not much new has happened.
I accepted a role with TOY (Theater of Youth) and I'm excited to start in one new project. I've been pretty uninspired recently... So it will be good to have a change of scenery.
I cut off 8 inches of my hair and donated it to "Children with Hair loss" and that same day was my last day working with the family that I nannied for.
My hair has already grown a good half inch, and my work days are a lot less noisy... I went from watching three children all at once to watching only one. I have a lot more time to do crafts with her and I've seen several new Disney movies that I hadn't seen before.
I've been going to a yoga and Pilates class a few times a week and started attending an Aerial class---

Okay, I guess a lot of new things have happened. More reasons why writing down your life has its benefits... You don't realize the changes you are going through until you start describing them to someone else.

The aerial class has been amazing. My whole body is sore in places I forgot had working muscles... And it is confidence boosting. I know I need to work on my dance skills... That's what I really need to make me a more marketable package as an actor in musical theater... But my confidence there is so low that I can't bring myself to walk into a dance studio and focus straight enough right now... I'm hoping that by working on silks and trapeze will build my confidence and desire to try some dance classes... But for now, when I'm in the air on a trapeze, I feel strong, and I feel beautiful. And that's what I need right now.
It has inspired me to start eating better and start a whole new workout regiment to build strength and really take care of the temple I've been given. There's no reason that I shouldn't be strong and lean, I'm literally in my prime-- it's now or never! Healthy habits start now. I'm a perfect size for strength and agility. More than plain, less than tall.
With physical strength, we all know comes mental and spiritual health...
And there have definitely been some spiritual battles I've been fighting. I won't go into heavy detail, but what I've learned is:

Love conquers all
and
God has me right where he wants me to be.

Everything happens for a reason, and His plan is so far beyond my sight lines... I might as well be blindfolded. At this point, it's all about trust.

Good stuff.
Hugs and Kisses.
Til next time.

Happiness

What is happiness 

The hardest thing you can ever go through emotionally is not feeling appreciated. Unwanted. Or not needed. 

I'm sure if you are reading this you may be thinking "losing a loved one is worse than that" or maybe "being very ill..." 

And yes, I don't mean to degrade those things or the emotions associated with them...  

But emotion is personal. And feeling unwanted on top of those other events, I'd say would take the cake.

Sorry for that moment of drear... I'm going somewhere with this, I promise. 

I'm thinking about myself a lot today, taking stock of my feelings and trying to figure out what my next step in life might be. 

Sometimes you think you know where your life is going and then certain events force you to find a new route.

I'm leaving one of my nanny families today after a year and a half of watching them... And yet it's not what has triggered this train of thinking. 

The life of an actor, my friends, is a rough emotional battle... Bringing me back to not feeling wanted or needed. It's a constant let down, and for my friends in New York, with skin of leather and a force field of strength to endure the wickedness of the big apple.... I shake your virtual hand and give you a lot of hugs. Honesty moment:  I don't like being told that I'm not good enough. I don't like being told that I'm not the one that you want. And I really don't like being told that I'm a dime a dozen. Because what I believe contradicts that. And even if I'm never on Broadway because I don't believe in giving into "unofficial lists" or being "typed out"... Then I know that there is a bigger plan for me... Even if it's on a smaller scale. 

So, as I sit in this rocking chair, as three very strong willed children take well deserved naps, for the last time as caretaker, I think about this one not so simple question...

"What makes me happy"

I'll tell you what... Good food. 

Delicious food makes me sooo happy. I love cooking. And baking. And eating it. 

And I love even more when someone else makes delicious food for me to eat. I love breakfast sandwiches. I love microwaveable snacks. I love cake and chocolate and tea and lemonade and vegetables and everything. 

And big portions. Often. 

Good Health makes me happy... For myself and others. Which I don't want to take for granted but have a hard time keeping in check. I like going to the gym, I like cycling and Pilates and yoga. I like running and doing fun runs and 5ks. I like creating meals that I know are full of vitamins and rich in nutrients. I love health food stores... And I love to research things about being healthy. 

Being close to people makes me happy. I love sharing and talking and laughing and being around people who want to be around me. With that... 

I love making people happy. I love surprising people with good deeds. I like to make an impact on people's lives in a positive way. I love serving and being helpful. Bringing me back to feeling needed and wanted. I am happy when I know other people are happy because of something I did for them. 

Being spontaneous makes me happy. I've never been good at staying with one thing for too long... I have a lot of things that I enjoy doing, and my heart is never full unless I get a chance to touch on all of those things.... There aren't a lot of jobs that allow for that though, so I often find myself getting bored. I need to be able to stretch my legs... I get claustrophobic being in one place all the time. I also need to be able to create. And have fun, and go on adventures... 

And stability makes me happy. Knowing I have a place to live. Knowing I'll have enough to get by... This is the one I struggle with, because it almost feels sinful... I know so many people are without... And I feel greedy about wanting to not have to go without... 

And first and foremost... My Heavenly Father... Where would I be without my guiding light?! Knowing that I have security in Him obviously makes me happy, and knowing in the deepest depths that I have nothing to fear... But as y'all know it's easier said than done...

It's cool being a well rounded person. I have an amazing life. I am so blessed. I can usually come up with a solution to any problem. And I usually understand things very quickly. I'm good at being objective and I can see things for what they really are. Except now. 

I'm excited but totally blind to the next steps in my life. But I guess that isn't so new... I've never been able to say where I'd be "in the next 5 years..." Or even the next 6 months really... 

I needed to write all this down to remind myself of the things I value. How can I stay true to myself. Will the opportunities that present themselves to me allow me to say yes to the things that really make me happy? Or will I have to sacrifice happiness in order to say yes to an opportunity? (Which makes me second guess if it's really an opportunity at all...) 

That felt good. 

Getting my thoughts out makes me happy. 

I recommend it 

Til next time.

Heaven

For some reason I have always had this skewed vision of what heaven would be like... I don't know when it started or who told me what to make me think this... But imagine this: 

A giant golden paved street with beautiful buildings lining it. The buildings and houses are merely for show, nobody ever sleeps and nobody lives there, they are just walls to the golden street. The street is so wide that millions of people are crowded together, and at the end of the street is God. And we all stand in the street and look to God while he smiles, and we worship him and now to him.... Like a crazy brainless (but happy) cult... 

That's what heaven had always been in my mind. A crowd of people with no thoughts... There's no pain, no sadness... But we just mindlessly worship. 

It has come to my attention that this is not what heaven is. In fact, this sounds awful to me. 

So here is my new information that I'd love to write down in this free typed memory bank: 

God is real. He wants us to have the opportunity to make choices. He gave us free will because He wants us to decide for ourselves to follow Him and know Him. It's a gift. To us and to Him. When we choose to believe, that is the happiest moment for our Heavenly Father. As an earthly mother or father would want their child to choose to love and obey them... It's not fun for anyone if you are tortured into obeying... 

Anyway.. Free will is a gift. 

Satan thought that free will wasn't a good idea. He wanted people to be mindless. To obey for the sake of obeying. And not an inch of wiggle room. So he was banished from Gods kingdom. 

This is where heaven and hell come in. 

Damnation. Think about that word for a second. 

Shunned to hell. 

But where is is derived from? 

A dam is built to stop the flow of water.

The cessation of progressing water...

Damnation is the same thing. The cessation of human progress. 

So Hell is a place where progress ceases. 

Where certain beings go and stop learning, stop growing... Stop thinking. 

If Heaven is the opposite... Then the definition must also be opposite.

Heaven is a place where progress continues. But where there is no satan to try to lure us to his lair... 

Heaven is protected, sacred and holy. A place where we will continue to grow closer to our creator and yes, we can worship God because we have chosen to do so. 

Sometimes we miss the point...

It has been a very mind twisting week. 

Mind and heart. 

I've been thinking a lot about my future (which is always an instant gut drop) and about my spirituality... I've been thinking about auditions and friendships... And then I found out about the death of one of my former classmates... 

And that just devastated me.

After you hear news like that, everything else starts to seem like ... life or death. 

If a beautiful, talented, kind, intelligent girl with her whole life to live can suffer and fear something that she wasn't expecting for 80 years... Well it can certainly happen to any one of us. 

Sorry that sounds so morbid, but that's just the way life feels right now. 

And on top of that I'm thinking about the woman I want to be, how o want to live my life, plans that God has laid out for me, and choices that He has given me to make. 

It occurred to me that I have been squashing my curiosity. I have always been a person with a lot of questions. And I love to discover the answer. In my past "curiosity killed the cat" seemed to be the motto of my life, and fortunately, by Gods grace, I was able to make wiser choices in finding answers. 

Unfortunately, some regrets kept me from continuing my search for answers and I stopped asking for a while. 

The amazing thing about this century is that lots of people have been through life and written down experiences and I can learn from others in books... Or by asking Siri.

From there it's a matter of finding the truth. 

So anyway, I'm trying to act on my curiosity and find answers again. This time not so recklessly. And this time with a purpose. 

That was all super vague, but I know what I'm talking about and that's all that matters. 

I'm also trying to work on being less selfish. Part of my theatrical journey has been about the fact that I don't want to do it all for me. "It makes me happy" isn't a good enough reason. I mean, it's great that theater makes me happy! 

I love that! But I also want to do something good with it. For others. Beyond the enjoyment of simply going to the theater. I don't know what that is yet... I guess I just need to keep figuring it out. 

A Tail from Sunshine Drive

I bid goodnight to my roommates and settle into my room.

I climb into bed and bounce on my knees to pull the fan light off and snuggle into my bed.

After what seems like just falling into that true state of sleep, I hear a sound.

The rustle of plastic bags… like someone discarding all of their grocery sacs at the same time.

My eyes shoot open but I dare not move my body. I’m paralyzed.

It’s definitely not someone, it’s surely someTHING.

A RACCOON!

There is a raccoon in my bedroom! How did it get there? What is it doing? How will it get out? Am I going to get rabies?!

I slowly and shakily reach for my cell phone on the desk next to me and shrink under my covers.

The noise stops. Crap.Where is it now?It’s under my bed… It’s in the closet… it’s digging holes in my walls…

It sounds like it has really tiny feet….

I pull up the flashlight app on my phone and quick as a ninja I flash it around the room.

A little tail quickly disappears behind my dresser.

I shriek… and run out of my room.

At least it’s not a raccoon… but it is a mouse.

I get in my car and go to the 24 hour grocery store to search for a trap.

I find the right isle, among the cleaning supplies and paper products.

All of the boxes look so violent…

“KILL MICE!” “DEAD IN SECONDS” “BLOOD GUTS GORE!”

I’m not a murderer… I can’t do this…

Then… hidden in the back... I find this little teeter-toter contraption…

You put peanut butter on one end, mouse walks in and while he’s having a tasty snack, the device gently closes him in. No killing. Just a little... "snack hut!"

I happily buy it and bring it home.

As quietly as I can, as not to wake the roomies, I set it up in the kitchen.  I get gloves and a shoebox ready and set the trap in my room on top of a spiral notebook for safety…

I don’t know, It seems to make sense…

I turn off my light and wait.

I swear hours go by, but there’s no sleeping tonight.

Suddenly, I hear it again… the bag rustle…

the littlest nibbles… what is he eating?

scampers…

After an eternity, he finds the trap. and i hear his little feet creep into the "snack hut"… and WHUTCHA! 

He’s trapped! I pull the light and see the trap going back and forth, back ad forth… like a teeter-totter… 

I strap on my gloves, put the snack hut in the shoebox and run to my car.

A nice neighborhood. I’ve gotta find a new home for this guy. I drive 20 minutes around the city and find a street with gorgeous houses next to a stream. 

I pull my car over to the side of the road and grab the box.

I set the “snack hut” on the ground and release the door as fast as I can. The tiniest mouse I’ve ever seen, maybe the size of my thumb, falls onto my boot.

I scream. again.

And I swear he looks up at me and says to me in his tiny mouse voice 

“bye, bye! I’m gonna miss you!”

I tear runs down my cheek a little and I say “I hope you like your new home!"

Turns out he was after my chocolate covered pretzels in my bedroom garbage.

I decide I’ll keep my snacks in the kitchen from now on.

Utah

I get teary eyed every time at takeoff in an airplane... 

I love to take flight and see the places I love from the sky... The world that seemed so impossible to conquer from the ground suddenly becomes so small and vast at the same time... it becomes so tangible, so much more into an understood perspective. 

I love the feeling of flying. Especially the first ascent. The dropping feeling in our human bellies, reminding us that we were never supposed to be in the sky... a reminder to respect it, the dangers of it, and the beauty... but that we mere humans have figured it out...by the grace of God, we take flight... to remind us that He's created an amazing world that he wants us to enjoy and worship Him in. 

Flight is beautiful. It's a miracle, and I am so awestruck and blessed that I have the opportunity to experience such an adventure.

This weekend was amazing. My amazing friend Mindy shared her support and family with me and was selfless enough to leave her own boys and husband at home to accompany me to my audition in Utah. 

The trip there couldn't have gone smoother. We were supposed to have three flights-- Buffalo-Chicago-Phoenix-Salt Lake City... But out flight to Chicago was early and we were able to catch an earlier flight straight to Salt Lake City without having to stop for out layover in Arizona! With the extra few hours we gained we visited Mindy's friend Christina and had Cafe Rio for dinner... Which was amaaazingg... And enjoyed the company and conversation of each other. We visited Mindy's brother and Sister in law, Robbie and Kelli, then we made a few stops and picked up some essentials and then went to Mindy's alma mater to check out the audition situation for the following day. I talked to some students in the theater program at BYU before they went into their auditions and we left for Mindy's in-laws house (where I met Suzanna, Tom and sweet, squeezable baby Nolan) for a good nights sleep. 

With excitement and audition nerves I woke up early and showered and prepared myself for what I never would have expected to be such an amazing audition day. Mindy prayed for blessings over my audition, and away we drove in our rental toy sized car. 

Mindy and I arrived early and I was the first to sign up for an audition slot at 10am. 

With my flower audition book and golden heels I boldly walked into a large room, smile on my face (and the ever present audition knobs in my knees) and gave my songbook to the friendly accompanist. 

I introduced myself and sang an honest version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow".

With some head nods from the directors table I was asked to sing a second song. 

Almost bursting, I gladly asked whether they'd like something higher or lower... Higher (horray!) 

A little 16 bar cut of "Vanilla Ice Cream" with a love struck high it's at the end set the directors table into a series of questions about my dance  experience.

Upon the discovery of my New York residency I was asked

"Did you get lost...?" 

To which I explained the cost of travel to Utah and staying with family being cheaper than a drive and a week to NYC. I also got to toss in that Scott would be in Arizona and the potential of being able to be in a show and be able to see my brother play was a very appealing reason to want to work for the theater. 

They had me sing a lower song, "Frank Mills" and then my first song again, only this time with a childlike outlook. 

So that makes 4 opportunities to sing and 10 minutes in the audition room. 

That felt pretty amazing. 

I was asked to stay for the dance call and to read for Wendy and Jane. 

The dance call was tough, always my weakest link... But I tried. So that's what counts I guess. 

Reading for Jane was a blast. I read with an enthusiastic new friend, Kaden, who played a very charming wild man, and then got to sing two of Janes songs. 

And that was it! I didn't end up reading for Wendy, most likely because the roles of Wendy and Jane are so similar (British, curious, adventurous...) 

So I was relieved to have some dinner and hang out with Mindy, Robbie and Kelli. 

Sunday we went to church at Robbie and Kelli's church, and I enjoyed the teachings. 

We visited Temple Square and saw some beautiful and historical buildings. The missionaries that gave us a tour were adorable and so kind and generous with their time and desire to give us information. 

We saw the LDS conference center, which seats 21,000 people and is built with no pillars or support in the line of sight for any audience members! There is not ONE bad seat in all 21,000 seats! Pretty amazing. 

Kelli's mom made a nice dinner for all of us and we talked and played a word game until we were all sooo tired. 

On Monday we did a tour of the new Provo temple... Which was gorgeous... Even the hinges on the door were exquisite... No corners cut from the mural paintings on the walls to the finely crafted staircase pillars modeled after the ones original to the temple formerly burned down. 

I insisted that we drive to the mountains after we packed up and ran some errands, because all week I couldn't get over my love for the mountains hugging the cities we had visited. It was foggy, rainy and snowy most of the time we were in Utah... Which is odd, I hear... So my view of the mountains was often obstructed. We drove about a mile into the mountains, snapped a few photos and decided it was safer to turn around due to poor weather conditions and slippery roads. Our 2 wheel drive toy car couldn't handle it... Next time, Utah...

We drove to Kelli and Robbie's and helped them with their new house-- Mindy and I started the assembly of their new IKEA cabinets and Mindy helped put baseboards down with Robbie. We finished pretty late, grabbed a bite to eat and said good bye (for now) and drove back to Salt Lake where we stayed at her friend Christina's  for the night. Tuesday morning we went out to breakfast at Kneaders and then drove to the airport for our Flight to Arizona. 

And that brings it full circle. Back to the amazing sky above the clouds... Where the earth starts to look like ant hills and matchboxes, and the beauty of creation becomes a little more viewable to my tiny human eyes. 

Perfectly amazing. 

I love Utah... I'd love to spend my summer there.