Happiness

What is happiness 

The hardest thing you can ever go through emotionally is not feeling appreciated. Unwanted. Or not needed. 

I'm sure if you are reading this you may be thinking "losing a loved one is worse than that" or maybe "being very ill..." 

And yes, I don't mean to degrade those things or the emotions associated with them...  

But emotion is personal. And feeling unwanted on top of those other events, I'd say would take the cake.

Sorry for that moment of drear... I'm going somewhere with this, I promise. 

I'm thinking about myself a lot today, taking stock of my feelings and trying to figure out what my next step in life might be. 

Sometimes you think you know where your life is going and then certain events force you to find a new route.

I'm leaving one of my nanny families today after a year and a half of watching them... And yet it's not what has triggered this train of thinking. 

The life of an actor, my friends, is a rough emotional battle... Bringing me back to not feeling wanted or needed. It's a constant let down, and for my friends in New York, with skin of leather and a force field of strength to endure the wickedness of the big apple.... I shake your virtual hand and give you a lot of hugs. Honesty moment:  I don't like being told that I'm not good enough. I don't like being told that I'm not the one that you want. And I really don't like being told that I'm a dime a dozen. Because what I believe contradicts that. And even if I'm never on Broadway because I don't believe in giving into "unofficial lists" or being "typed out"... Then I know that there is a bigger plan for me... Even if it's on a smaller scale. 

So, as I sit in this rocking chair, as three very strong willed children take well deserved naps, for the last time as caretaker, I think about this one not so simple question...

"What makes me happy"

I'll tell you what... Good food. 

Delicious food makes me sooo happy. I love cooking. And baking. And eating it. 

And I love even more when someone else makes delicious food for me to eat. I love breakfast sandwiches. I love microwaveable snacks. I love cake and chocolate and tea and lemonade and vegetables and everything. 

And big portions. Often. 

Good Health makes me happy... For myself and others. Which I don't want to take for granted but have a hard time keeping in check. I like going to the gym, I like cycling and Pilates and yoga. I like running and doing fun runs and 5ks. I like creating meals that I know are full of vitamins and rich in nutrients. I love health food stores... And I love to research things about being healthy. 

Being close to people makes me happy. I love sharing and talking and laughing and being around people who want to be around me. With that... 

I love making people happy. I love surprising people with good deeds. I like to make an impact on people's lives in a positive way. I love serving and being helpful. Bringing me back to feeling needed and wanted. I am happy when I know other people are happy because of something I did for them. 

Being spontaneous makes me happy. I've never been good at staying with one thing for too long... I have a lot of things that I enjoy doing, and my heart is never full unless I get a chance to touch on all of those things.... There aren't a lot of jobs that allow for that though, so I often find myself getting bored. I need to be able to stretch my legs... I get claustrophobic being in one place all the time. I also need to be able to create. And have fun, and go on adventures... 

And stability makes me happy. Knowing I have a place to live. Knowing I'll have enough to get by... This is the one I struggle with, because it almost feels sinful... I know so many people are without... And I feel greedy about wanting to not have to go without... 

And first and foremost... My Heavenly Father... Where would I be without my guiding light?! Knowing that I have security in Him obviously makes me happy, and knowing in the deepest depths that I have nothing to fear... But as y'all know it's easier said than done...

It's cool being a well rounded person. I have an amazing life. I am so blessed. I can usually come up with a solution to any problem. And I usually understand things very quickly. I'm good at being objective and I can see things for what they really are. Except now. 

I'm excited but totally blind to the next steps in my life. But I guess that isn't so new... I've never been able to say where I'd be "in the next 5 years..." Or even the next 6 months really... 

I needed to write all this down to remind myself of the things I value. How can I stay true to myself. Will the opportunities that present themselves to me allow me to say yes to the things that really make me happy? Or will I have to sacrifice happiness in order to say yes to an opportunity? (Which makes me second guess if it's really an opportunity at all...) 

That felt good. 

Getting my thoughts out makes me happy. 

I recommend it 

Til next time.

Heaven

For some reason I have always had this skewed vision of what heaven would be like... I don't know when it started or who told me what to make me think this... But imagine this: 

A giant golden paved street with beautiful buildings lining it. The buildings and houses are merely for show, nobody ever sleeps and nobody lives there, they are just walls to the golden street. The street is so wide that millions of people are crowded together, and at the end of the street is God. And we all stand in the street and look to God while he smiles, and we worship him and now to him.... Like a crazy brainless (but happy) cult... 

That's what heaven had always been in my mind. A crowd of people with no thoughts... There's no pain, no sadness... But we just mindlessly worship. 

It has come to my attention that this is not what heaven is. In fact, this sounds awful to me. 

So here is my new information that I'd love to write down in this free typed memory bank: 

God is real. He wants us to have the opportunity to make choices. He gave us free will because He wants us to decide for ourselves to follow Him and know Him. It's a gift. To us and to Him. When we choose to believe, that is the happiest moment for our Heavenly Father. As an earthly mother or father would want their child to choose to love and obey them... It's not fun for anyone if you are tortured into obeying... 

Anyway.. Free will is a gift. 

Satan thought that free will wasn't a good idea. He wanted people to be mindless. To obey for the sake of obeying. And not an inch of wiggle room. So he was banished from Gods kingdom. 

This is where heaven and hell come in. 

Damnation. Think about that word for a second. 

Shunned to hell. 

But where is is derived from? 

A dam is built to stop the flow of water.

The cessation of progressing water...

Damnation is the same thing. The cessation of human progress. 

So Hell is a place where progress ceases. 

Where certain beings go and stop learning, stop growing... Stop thinking. 

If Heaven is the opposite... Then the definition must also be opposite.

Heaven is a place where progress continues. But where there is no satan to try to lure us to his lair... 

Heaven is protected, sacred and holy. A place where we will continue to grow closer to our creator and yes, we can worship God because we have chosen to do so. 

Sometimes we miss the point...

It has been a very mind twisting week. 

Mind and heart. 

I've been thinking a lot about my future (which is always an instant gut drop) and about my spirituality... I've been thinking about auditions and friendships... And then I found out about the death of one of my former classmates... 

And that just devastated me.

After you hear news like that, everything else starts to seem like ... life or death. 

If a beautiful, talented, kind, intelligent girl with her whole life to live can suffer and fear something that she wasn't expecting for 80 years... Well it can certainly happen to any one of us. 

Sorry that sounds so morbid, but that's just the way life feels right now. 

And on top of that I'm thinking about the woman I want to be, how o want to live my life, plans that God has laid out for me, and choices that He has given me to make. 

It occurred to me that I have been squashing my curiosity. I have always been a person with a lot of questions. And I love to discover the answer. In my past "curiosity killed the cat" seemed to be the motto of my life, and fortunately, by Gods grace, I was able to make wiser choices in finding answers. 

Unfortunately, some regrets kept me from continuing my search for answers and I stopped asking for a while. 

The amazing thing about this century is that lots of people have been through life and written down experiences and I can learn from others in books... Or by asking Siri.

From there it's a matter of finding the truth. 

So anyway, I'm trying to act on my curiosity and find answers again. This time not so recklessly. And this time with a purpose. 

That was all super vague, but I know what I'm talking about and that's all that matters. 

I'm also trying to work on being less selfish. Part of my theatrical journey has been about the fact that I don't want to do it all for me. "It makes me happy" isn't a good enough reason. I mean, it's great that theater makes me happy! 

I love that! But I also want to do something good with it. For others. Beyond the enjoyment of simply going to the theater. I don't know what that is yet... I guess I just need to keep figuring it out.